1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,096
FOOTBALL COMMENTARY ON TV

2
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Come on! We'll pump this lot.

3
00:00:07,036 --> 00:00:10,000
I mean, Malta, for God's sake.
What have they ever done?

4
00:00:10,000 --> 00:00:11,072
A falcon!

5
00:00:11,072 --> 00:00:13,084
Sure you don't want one?
No, no, you're fine.

6
00:00:13,084 --> 00:00:15,092
I'm still on this diet
that Beth put me on.

7
00:00:15,092 --> 00:00:18,016
Diet? Oh, dear.

8
00:00:18,016 --> 00:00:20,028
I'm lucky. I can eat what I want.

9
00:00:20,028 --> 00:00:21,080
My father was the same.

10
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:24,060
He ate chips every day of his life,
and he was like that.

11
00:00:24,060 --> 00:00:27,004
Aye, some folk are lucky.Mm.

12
00:00:27,004 --> 00:00:29,052
Heart attack, he had, wasn't it?
Three of them, aye.Aye.

13
00:00:30,084 --> 00:00:32,052
I just couldn't bear the thought

14
00:00:32,052 --> 00:00:35,036
of you sitting on your own
all night, Beth.

15
00:00:35,036 --> 00:00:38,000
Och, you didn't need to worry.
I quite enjoy a night...

16
00:00:38,000 --> 00:00:41,060
Besides, I wanted a wee catch-up,
hear all your news.

17
00:00:41,060 --> 00:00:44,080
Well, not much to tell,
really, Cathy. Um...

18
00:00:44,080 --> 00:00:46,036
Eric's been at the doctor again.

19
00:00:46,036 --> 00:00:48,020
Oh, no!Uh-huh.

20
00:00:48,020 --> 00:00:49,060
What a shame.

21
00:00:49,060 --> 00:00:52,040
Look! I had my toes done
in that new semipermanent stuff.

22
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:54,000
It is so good.

23
00:00:54,000 --> 00:00:56,040
I kicked the tumble dryer shut
earlier, didn't chip.

24
00:00:57,088 --> 00:01:00,048
So you've been at the dentist?
The doctor's.

25
00:01:00,048 --> 00:01:02,036
Have you?No, Eric has.

26
00:01:02,036 --> 00:01:03,060
Oh, God.

27
00:01:03,060 --> 00:01:06,024
Tell you what... Open that bottle,
I want to hear all about it.

28
00:01:07,084 --> 00:01:09,056
Oh, Beth!Uh-huh.

29
00:01:09,056 --> 00:01:11,008
Bring crisps.

30
00:01:12,056 --> 00:01:14,036
Storage Wars?

31
00:01:14,036 --> 00:01:15,084
Yeah...

32
00:01:15,084 --> 00:01:18,020
Oh, Police Interceptors.
I watched that last week.

33
00:01:18,020 --> 00:01:19,052
They chased a man over a fence

34
00:01:19,052 --> 00:01:21,072
and his tracksuit bottoms
came down at the back,

35
00:01:21,072 --> 00:01:24,040
so they had to blur it out
so you didn't see his crack.

36
00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:26,068
Oh, Game Of Thrones.
Jaz, we live in Glasgow.

37
00:01:26,068 --> 00:01:28,068
If I want to watch dwarves
stabbing each other,

38
00:01:28,068 --> 00:01:31,016
I can just take a bus
into the city centre.

39
00:01:31,016 --> 00:01:32,080
All right!

40
00:01:32,080 --> 00:01:34,024
Border Force!What's that?

41
00:01:34,024 --> 00:01:37,044
People trying to get into Australia
smuggling snake meat
up their jumpers,

42
00:01:37,044 --> 00:01:40,088
and Chinese women bursting
into tears when they get caught
with home-cooked food

43
00:01:40,088 --> 00:01:42,092
and they've got to put it
in the bin.

44
00:01:42,092 --> 00:01:44,044
I might just go to bed.

45
00:01:44,044 --> 00:01:47,040
Are you coming, or are you
staying up? Um, I'll come.

46
00:01:49,052 --> 00:01:51,036
Ian...What?

47
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,020
Do you want to move in with me?

48
00:01:56,068 --> 00:01:57,076
OK.

49
00:02:00,072 --> 00:02:02,076
I mean, I knew he was overweight.

50
00:02:02,076 --> 00:02:06,004
Oh, yeah. Remember when we had
the barbecue out the back?

51
00:02:06,004 --> 00:02:07,068
When he stepped onto that decking,

52
00:02:07,068 --> 00:02:10,048
it was like that bit
out of Jurassic Park.

53
00:02:10,048 --> 00:02:11,088
It's a worry.

54
00:02:11,088 --> 00:02:15,072
This is what happens
to a lot of Scottish men, Beth.

55
00:02:15,072 --> 00:02:18,008
Nice and chunky when they're young.

56
00:02:18,008 --> 00:02:21,000
And then they just
turn into big bloaters.

57
00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:23,040
They're saying
if he doesn't do something about it,

58
00:02:23,040 --> 00:02:25,044
he could be at risk
of a heart attack.

59
00:02:25,044 --> 00:02:26,096
Beth, Beth, Beth, Beth.

60
00:02:26,096 --> 00:02:30,060
Anything happens to Eric,
I'll be here for you.

61
00:02:30,060 --> 00:02:33,008
I'll help you get your hair cut,

62
00:02:33,008 --> 00:02:35,020
set you up a profile
on PlentyOfFish.

63
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This programme
contains some strong language

64
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# Mmm-mm-mmm-mmm-mmm

65
00:02:45,008 --> 00:02:47,004
# Whoa-oa-oa

66
00:02:47,004 --> 00:02:49,032
# Ohh-oh-oh

67
00:02:49,032 --> 00:02:52,060
# Ohh-ohh-oh ohh-ohh. #

68
00:02:52,060 --> 00:02:55,012
I'll tell you who's got it right
when it comes to pubs, Eric.

69
00:02:55,012 --> 00:02:56,064
The Spaniards.Aye?

70
00:02:56,064 --> 00:02:58,004
Aye. Tapas.

71
00:02:58,004 --> 00:03:00,068
Cos every time you get a drink,
you get a wee bite to eat with it.

72
00:03:00,068 --> 00:03:02,068
A wee bit of sausage, chorizo.

73
00:03:02,068 --> 00:03:04,076
A wee bit of squid, calamari.

74
00:03:04,076 --> 00:03:06,092
Wee croquette. ..Croquette.

75
00:03:06,092 --> 00:03:10,016
Oh, Christ, give it a rest with
all that chat about grub.I'm sorry.

76
00:03:10,016 --> 00:03:12,080
Let's just concentrate on the match.
That'll cheer you up, eh?

77
00:03:12,080 --> 00:03:15,064
Come on, let's get behind
these lads. Scot...

78
00:03:15,064 --> 00:03:18,000
ALL GROAN

79
00:03:18,000 --> 00:03:19,080
Shit. That didnae go in, did it?

80
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:29,072
It's a disgrace.

81
00:03:29,072 --> 00:03:32,032
It's a... It's an absolute disgrace.

82
00:03:32,032 --> 00:03:35,060
They were humped oot there.
Humped. By Malta.

83
00:03:35,060 --> 00:03:37,064
I'll tell you what the problem is,
Eric.

84
00:03:37,064 --> 00:03:40,020
Our lot just arenae fit.I know.

85
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:43,028
They're oot there trying to compete
with these European teams

86
00:03:43,028 --> 00:03:45,092
who are in peak condition,

87
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:48,008
and they're just no' up to it.

88
00:03:48,008 --> 00:03:50,012
They're no' athletes, Eric.No.

89
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:52,052
You want some chips in your pocket
to take in with you?

90
00:03:52,052 --> 00:03:54,008
No, no, no, no. You're good.

91
00:03:54,008 --> 00:03:57,012
That's right, it's your diet.
Good man.

92
00:03:57,012 --> 00:03:58,072
I'll tell you, that lot out there

93
00:03:58,072 --> 00:04:01,004
could do with taking a leaf
out of your book.

94
00:04:01,004 --> 00:04:05,004
Aye. Anyway, I'm away to my bed,
so I'll see you.

95
00:04:05,004 --> 00:04:06,060
Night. Night.

96
00:04:06,060 --> 00:04:07,092
Good night, squire.

97
00:04:10,072 --> 00:04:11,092
Aw, shite.

98
00:04:27,032 --> 00:04:28,068
Mm.

99
00:04:32,008 --> 00:04:34,052
HE SNORES

100
00:04:53,032 --> 00:04:54,084
WATER SPLASHES

101
00:04:56,048 --> 00:04:58,000
What the...?!

102
00:04:59,032 --> 00:05:00,076
Eric!

103
00:05:03,020 --> 00:05:04,036
Eric!

104
00:05:05,036 --> 00:05:06,056
What is it?

105
00:05:06,056 --> 00:05:09,072
The freezer door's been left
lying open.How the hell...?

106
00:05:09,072 --> 00:05:11,084
Well, it wasn't me!Uh-huh(!)

107
00:05:11,084 --> 00:05:15,000
So it wasn't you that cooked
the oven chips in the big Pyrex dish

108
00:05:15,000 --> 00:05:16,052
that's lying in the sink, then?

109
00:05:16,052 --> 00:05:18,008
I'll get a tea towel.

110
00:05:18,008 --> 00:05:20,064
And I'll bet you've guzzled
all my cold meat.

111
00:05:20,064 --> 00:05:22,040
Beth...

112
00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:25,024
Eric, let me into that fridge.
Beth, I was starving.

113
00:05:25,024 --> 00:05:27,048
Eric!
We got beat by Malta, Beth.Oh...

114
00:05:29,024 --> 00:05:32,080
Gone. And my lovely big lump
of Irish Cheddar.

115
00:05:32,080 --> 00:05:35,076
Away. I was going to use that
for a macaroni.

116
00:05:35,076 --> 00:05:38,044
Well, there's a tin of macaroni
in the...

117
00:05:38,044 --> 00:05:42,004
Actually, I...Look at the state
of this. I mean, just look at it.

118
00:05:42,004 --> 00:05:44,056
And you're supposed to be on a diet.
And I am.

119
00:05:44,056 --> 00:05:48,008
Oh, and look at
this lovely big leg of lamb.

120
00:05:48,008 --> 00:05:51,048
The blood's dripped right the way
through onto Ian's waffles.

121
00:05:51,048 --> 00:05:54,016
We can always refreeze it.
Don't be ridiculous.

122
00:05:54,016 --> 00:05:55,072
Look, what does it say there?

123
00:05:55,072 --> 00:05:58,064
Er... "Use by December 2008".

124
00:05:58,064 --> 00:06:02,028
Not there. There!
"Once defrosted, do not refreeze".

125
00:06:02,028 --> 00:06:04,048
Well,
you'll just have to bin it, then.

126
00:06:04,048 --> 00:06:06,052
Bin it?! I will not be binning it.

127
00:06:06,052 --> 00:06:08,080
There's hundreds of pounds worth
of food in here.

128
00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,056
I mean, what about my prawns?

129
00:06:10,056 --> 00:06:14,020
Forget about the prawns. You don't
have to worry about the prawns.

130
00:06:14,020 --> 00:06:15,060
Why not?

131
00:06:15,060 --> 00:06:18,004
Cos I had them with the macaroni.
Huh!

132
00:06:18,004 --> 00:06:20,048
And you need to be careful
with your health.

133
00:06:20,048 --> 00:06:24,056
Eric, I'm telling you, if you have
a heart attack, I will kill you.Ow!

134
00:06:28,020 --> 00:06:29,056
What are we going to do?

135
00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:32,032
Well, there's only one thing
we bloody well can do.

136
00:06:32,032 --> 00:06:33,048
Cook it!

137
00:06:34,060 --> 00:06:37,000
All right, Mum, see you later.

138
00:06:37,000 --> 00:06:38,024
Bye.

139
00:06:38,024 --> 00:06:39,056
What do you think?

140
00:06:40,060 --> 00:06:43,040
It's the gym we're going to,
no' a bloody Pride march.

141
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:45,024
I'm kidding you on. You look fine.

142
00:06:45,024 --> 00:06:47,044
Listen, see instead
of going to the gym,

143
00:06:47,044 --> 00:06:49,056
would it be OK
if we went over to my mum's?

144
00:06:49,056 --> 00:06:52,020
Er, yeah, can do. What's happening?
She's making lunch.

145
00:06:52,020 --> 00:06:54,024
Let's do it.
Should I bring anything?

146
00:06:54,024 --> 00:06:57,044
Aye, some earplugs and a bottle
of Gaviscon would be great.

147
00:07:00,096 --> 00:07:02,044
DOORBELL RINGS

148
00:07:04,076 --> 00:07:07,080
Oh, hello, Beth.
Hi, Christine. How you doing?

149
00:07:07,080 --> 00:07:09,092
I'm absolutely shattered.Oh.

150
00:07:09,092 --> 00:07:12,048
Been up all night with this bladder
of mine.Oh, dear.

151
00:07:12,048 --> 00:07:14,052
Between that
and the trapped nerve in my neck,

152
00:07:14,052 --> 00:07:16,072
and our Sophie's guinea pig's
about to give birth,

153
00:07:16,072 --> 00:07:18,044
it's like a field hospital in here.

154
00:07:18,044 --> 00:07:21,012
Do you want to come in
for a cup of tea?I won't just now.

155
00:07:21,012 --> 00:07:23,064
Actually, I just popped round
to invite you to ours.

156
00:07:23,064 --> 00:07:25,096
Oh, no, I don't think so, Beth.

157
00:07:25,096 --> 00:07:29,004
I'm just not at my best just now.
Och, that's a shame.

158
00:07:29,004 --> 00:07:31,056
You know me, Beth, I'm a fighter.

159
00:07:31,056 --> 00:07:34,072
But this business with the bladder's
just about broken me.

160
00:07:34,072 --> 00:07:36,096
Mum, Dusty's nearly ready to go.

161
00:07:36,096 --> 00:07:40,076
All right, just put a towel down,
will you? I'll be in in a minute.

162
00:07:40,076 --> 00:07:42,052
Sorry, I need to go, Beth.

163
00:07:43,064 --> 00:07:46,084
Oh, what was the occasion, anyway?
Oh, nothing really.

164
00:07:46,084 --> 00:07:49,004
It's just
we've had a bit of a disaster.

165
00:07:49,004 --> 00:07:51,024
A disaster?

166
00:07:51,024 --> 00:07:53,044
Oh!All right?

167
00:07:53,044 --> 00:07:54,080
Oh, thanks, Eric.

168
00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:58,052
You know, my heart just about broke
when Beth told me.

169
00:07:58,052 --> 00:08:00,052
I know what she's going through.

170
00:08:00,052 --> 00:08:02,052
I had a soda siphon rupture on me

171
00:08:02,052 --> 00:08:05,004
up at the caravan last year,
didn't I, Sophie?

172
00:08:05,004 --> 00:08:06,068
Yeah, you did.

173
00:08:06,068 --> 00:08:10,020
DOOR OPENS
Don't panic. I am here!

174
00:08:11,060 --> 00:08:14,024
Oh, give us a hug, missus.

175
00:08:15,036 --> 00:08:17,068
How are you holding up?
Och, I'm fine.

176
00:08:17,068 --> 00:08:20,056
See, if that was me,
I'd be devastated.

177
00:08:20,056 --> 00:08:23,092
Obviously, your stuff's
not as dear. Even still...

178
00:08:23,092 --> 00:08:25,096
I'll give you
a wee squeeze, too, eh?

179
00:08:25,096 --> 00:08:28,084
There we are. All better.
You all right, eh?

180
00:08:28,084 --> 00:08:30,092
Well, nobody died, eh?Aye, true.

181
00:08:30,092 --> 00:08:33,020
But still, it's a fair old
kick in the nuts, though.

182
00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:35,008
What on earth happened?

183
00:08:35,008 --> 00:08:37,072
Eric left the freezer door open
by mistake.

184
00:08:37,072 --> 00:08:39,020
BOTH:Oh, no!

185
00:08:39,020 --> 00:08:42,020
We thought maybe it just broke down
because it was so old.

186
00:08:43,052 --> 00:08:47,008
And you can't refreeze any of it?
I don't think so, Colin, no.

187
00:08:47,008 --> 00:08:48,080
Oh, no, no, no. You're quite right.

188
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:50,084
I did that once
with chicken breasts.

189
00:08:50,084 --> 00:08:52,040
I nearly shat myself in the car.

190
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:54,000
It can happen to anybody.

191
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:56,052
Just it always seems to happen
to Eric.

192
00:08:56,052 --> 00:08:58,080
Remember
when you got that lovely beanbag

193
00:08:58,080 --> 00:09:01,044
and he had
that terrible upset stomach?

194
00:09:01,044 --> 00:09:04,064
Cathy, look, please,
don't say anything about it to him.

195
00:09:04,064 --> 00:09:07,028
We're just trying to put it
behind us and move on.

196
00:09:07,028 --> 00:09:08,084
Course you are, course you are.

197
00:09:08,084 --> 00:09:11,024
It's the last thing
you're needing, though, isn't it?

198
00:09:11,024 --> 00:09:13,028
I was just saying to Col,
poor Beth,

199
00:09:13,028 --> 00:09:15,064
she has got enough on her plate.

200
00:09:15,064 --> 00:09:17,008
Not any more, she hasn't!

201
00:09:17,008 --> 00:09:18,052
BOTH LAUGH

202
00:09:18,052 --> 00:09:21,096
Anyway, look on the bright side.
Chance for a wee get-together.

203
00:09:21,096 --> 00:09:23,068
Exactly, Beth.

204
00:09:23,068 --> 00:09:26,000
What are friends for
if they can't get together

205
00:09:26,000 --> 00:09:27,092
and eat a lot of cheap frozen food?

206
00:09:29,048 --> 00:09:31,044
Anyway, best let you get on.

207
00:09:31,044 --> 00:09:34,036
Anything I can do to help,
you just let me know.

208
00:09:34,036 --> 00:09:35,068
Well, actually, Cathy,

209
00:09:35,068 --> 00:09:38,024
you could give us a hand
getting all this in the oven.

210
00:09:38,024 --> 00:09:39,080
What, now?

211
00:09:39,080 --> 00:09:41,024
Course... Course I can.

212
00:09:43,012 --> 00:09:45,016
Sophie,
can I get you a drink of something?

213
00:09:45,016 --> 00:09:47,084
Oh, just an orange juice'll
be great, thanks, Mr Baird.

214
00:09:47,084 --> 00:09:52,032
Oh, nothing fizzy for her, Eric.
No, no. Her teeth cannae stand it.

215
00:09:52,032 --> 00:09:54,016
Awfully soft enamel.Mum!

216
00:09:54,016 --> 00:09:57,012
The dentist said her baby teeth
were like putty.

217
00:09:57,012 --> 00:09:58,092
Are you all right, Christine?

218
00:09:58,092 --> 00:10:02,064
Oh, Colin, no' so great, actually.

219
00:10:02,064 --> 00:10:05,044
Ah, well. At least...
I'm back in my collar.

220
00:10:05,044 --> 00:10:08,004
Well, I noticed that.
And the bladder's away again.

221
00:10:08,004 --> 00:10:11,068
Oh, dear God.Just the old
drips and drops, you know.

222
00:10:11,068 --> 00:10:13,068
And as if that's no' bad enough,

223
00:10:13,068 --> 00:10:16,064
I've started to get
this ringing in my ears.

224
00:10:16,064 --> 00:10:18,064
Ringing in your ears?Aye.

225
00:10:18,064 --> 00:10:21,064
I'll tell you what you want to do.
What's that?

226
00:10:21,064 --> 00:10:22,096
Gie your doctor a bell!

227
00:10:32,068 --> 00:10:34,052
Cheeky wee bastard.

228
00:10:34,052 --> 00:10:38,004
Oh, hiya, Colin. All right?
Aye. There you are, Sophie.

229
00:10:38,004 --> 00:10:41,000
Here, Eric, that was a bit of
a boo-boo with the old freezer, eh?

230
00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:42,036
Oh, don't you start.

231
00:10:42,036 --> 00:10:44,048
I've been getting pelters off Beth
all morning.

232
00:10:44,048 --> 00:10:46,052
Just as well
it didnae happen to ours.

233
00:10:46,052 --> 00:10:48,096
We've got one of those ones
with the big double doors.

234
00:10:48,096 --> 00:10:51,084
Do you know how many cubic litres,
Eric? Er, no.

235
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:53,080
1,240.

236
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:56,092
That's a few ice poles, that, eh?
I'll tell you how big it is, Eric.

237
00:10:56,092 --> 00:11:00,000
I have got a whole salmon in it.
A whole salmon.

238
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:02,020
I caught it myself
when we were up at the time-share.

239
00:11:02,020 --> 00:11:04,060
You want to see the size
of this thing. It's...

240
00:11:04,060 --> 00:11:06,032
Well, it's enormous.

241
00:11:06,032 --> 00:11:09,072
You ever actually held
a whole salmon, Eric? Um...

242
00:11:09,072 --> 00:11:12,020
Sophie, you ever held
a whole salmon?

243
00:11:12,020 --> 00:11:14,028
No.Christine?

244
00:11:14,028 --> 00:11:15,092
No, just fillets.

245
00:11:15,092 --> 00:11:17,084
Well, let me tell you something.

246
00:11:17,084 --> 00:11:19,076
I have.

247
00:11:19,076 --> 00:11:22,012
Right, so how long
on the goujons, Cath?

248
00:11:22,012 --> 00:11:24,012
20 minutes at 220.

249
00:11:24,012 --> 00:11:27,004
Right, OK, so they'll go in
with the apple tart.

250
00:11:27,004 --> 00:11:30,072
Oh, that was 200, though, Beth.
OK, right, so what else is 200?

251
00:11:30,072 --> 00:11:33,024
The sausage rolls
and the southern fries.

252
00:11:33,024 --> 00:11:35,064
Right, OK, so the southern fries,
the sausage rolls

253
00:11:35,064 --> 00:11:38,068
and the apple tart -
200 for 20 minutes.

254
00:11:38,068 --> 00:11:40,028
No, the southern fries are 15 to 18.

255
00:11:40,028 --> 00:11:44,008
Right, OK, so we'll put them in
for five minutes first.

256
00:11:44,008 --> 00:11:46,012
Which ones?Southern fries.

257
00:11:46,012 --> 00:11:48,048
Got you, Beth, got you.
It's all under control.

258
00:11:48,048 --> 00:11:51,012
BEEPING
What's that noise?

259
00:11:51,012 --> 00:11:52,060
It's the oven, Cathy.

260
00:11:56,060 --> 00:11:58,076
I mean, see that drive
up to the time-share,

261
00:11:58,076 --> 00:12:02,024
the scenery is absolutely beautiful.

262
00:12:02,024 --> 00:12:06,000
I mean, the hills, the lochs, the...
the wind farms.

263
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,052
It's just beautiful.

264
00:12:07,052 --> 00:12:10,024
I mean, see the last time we went
up, the weather was smashing.

265
00:12:10,024 --> 00:12:13,004
We took Cathy's car,
got the roof down.

266
00:12:13,004 --> 00:12:15,004
It was gorgeous.

267
00:12:15,004 --> 00:12:17,020
Until we hit the deer.

268
00:12:17,020 --> 00:12:19,064
Oh, no.
No, no, no, it was all right.

269
00:12:19,064 --> 00:12:21,064
I mean, Cathy had wipes in her bag.

270
00:12:21,064 --> 00:12:23,036
Cream leather interior, though.

271
00:12:23,036 --> 00:12:26,036
I mean, some of the stitching's
still a bit pink.

272
00:12:30,048 --> 00:12:32,076
Right,
sausage rolls at the top, Cathy.

273
00:12:32,076 --> 00:12:34,044
Have you not got another oven glove?

274
00:12:34,044 --> 00:12:36,016
Shift that pie to the bottom

275
00:12:36,016 --> 00:12:40,024
and then we'll be able to get
some waffles in next to the cod.

276
00:12:43,080 --> 00:12:45,060
Come on!

277
00:12:45,060 --> 00:12:47,024
I've got the wine.Good.

278
00:12:47,024 --> 00:12:51,000
Got it. Wine in the bag. Can you
imagine if I dropped it? Smash!

279
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:53,064
Broken glass, people picking it up,
trying to be helpful,

280
00:12:53,064 --> 00:12:55,068
but then ending up
cutting themselves

281
00:12:55,068 --> 00:12:58,012
and your mum
having to look for plasters!

282
00:12:58,012 --> 00:13:00,004
Sorry. I think I'm nervous.

283
00:13:00,004 --> 00:13:01,036
Why?

284
00:13:01,036 --> 00:13:04,000
Just about telling everyone
that we're moving in together.

285
00:13:04,000 --> 00:13:05,092
See, what I was thinking...

286
00:13:05,092 --> 00:13:08,092
I'm not sure today's the best day
to tell them about that.

287
00:13:08,092 --> 00:13:10,032
Oh. OK.

288
00:13:10,032 --> 00:13:13,008
Look, I'm really, really pleased
about it, honest,

289
00:13:13,008 --> 00:13:16,008
but let's just hang fire and wait
till we see my mum on her own.

290
00:13:16,008 --> 00:13:18,036
All right. Fair enough.

291
00:13:20,012 --> 00:13:21,052
That's fine.

292
00:13:23,036 --> 00:13:25,028
Does your mum even drink prosecco?

293
00:13:25,028 --> 00:13:27,056
Give it a couple of hours
and she'll drink anything.

294
00:13:28,084 --> 00:13:31,020
Hello!
Oh, right, that's Ian and Jaz.

295
00:13:31,020 --> 00:13:33,076
Let me give you that.
You hold the fort for two minutes.

296
00:13:33,076 --> 00:13:36,028
Come in, come in.All right, Ma?

297
00:13:36,028 --> 00:13:38,096
Oh!What's that smell?
Something in the oven?

298
00:13:38,096 --> 00:13:42,096
Shut your face. Hello there, Jaz.
Hello, Mrs Baird.

299
00:13:42,096 --> 00:13:45,000
How you doing?Good, thank you.

300
00:13:45,000 --> 00:13:48,004
Oh, great. Right, so are you
back at work yet?Not yet, no.

301
00:13:48,004 --> 00:13:50,056
Listen, I'm so sorry
to hear about your freezer.

302
00:13:50,056 --> 00:13:51,092
Och, don't worry about it.

303
00:13:51,092 --> 00:13:54,076
I said to Ian, I can't imagine
anything worse, honestly.

304
00:13:54,076 --> 00:13:57,052
Except maybe something happening
to your eyes,

305
00:13:57,052 --> 00:14:00,024
or having a fall and
your front teeth getting smashed.

306
00:14:00,024 --> 00:14:02,012
There you go. That's for you.

307
00:14:02,012 --> 00:14:04,056
Oh, thanks! What's this?
It's just a wee bottle of wine.

308
00:14:04,056 --> 00:14:06,064
We got it at the petrol station.

309
00:14:06,064 --> 00:14:09,000
Um, right, well, let's go through.

310
00:14:12,064 --> 00:14:14,036
Hi, guys.Hiya.

311
00:14:14,036 --> 00:14:15,096
Hello, Mr Baird.Hiya.

312
00:14:15,096 --> 00:14:18,036
Hi, Colin. All right, Dad?

313
00:14:18,036 --> 00:14:20,040
All right, son, yeah.
How's it going?

314
00:14:20,040 --> 00:14:22,020
Aye, good. All good. How's you?

315
00:14:22,020 --> 00:14:24,088
Oh, no' too bad, aye, aye.
You all right?

316
00:14:24,088 --> 00:14:26,036
Aye, aye.

317
00:14:26,036 --> 00:14:27,088
Good. Good.

318
00:14:30,040 --> 00:14:33,036
Um, this is Christine.
She lives next door.

319
00:14:33,036 --> 00:14:34,076
Hello.

320
00:14:34,076 --> 00:14:36,052
Oh, wait till I get turned here.

321
00:14:36,052 --> 00:14:37,096
Oh.

322
00:14:37,096 --> 00:14:40,024
This is Jaz, Christine.

323
00:14:40,024 --> 00:14:43,080
Oh, hello, Jaz.
So you're Ian's gay lover.

324
00:14:43,080 --> 00:14:45,044
Mum!

325
00:14:45,044 --> 00:14:46,056
Sorry.

326
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:50,088
Have you met Sophie before,
Christine's daughter?

327
00:14:50,088 --> 00:14:54,052
Hi, I'm Jaz. I'm Ian's...
I'm Jaz. Hiya.

328
00:14:54,052 --> 00:14:57,024
Remember I told you Jaz works
for the electricity, Christine?

329
00:14:57,024 --> 00:15:00,000
Oh, does he? Very good.
But I'm off sick at the minute.

330
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:02,052
Really? Yeah.How come?

331
00:15:02,052 --> 00:15:04,056
Stress.
SHE GASPS

332
00:15:04,056 --> 00:15:07,036
Stress! Oh, that's a terrible thing.

333
00:15:07,036 --> 00:15:10,020
Here, you come
and sit yoursel' next to me.

334
00:15:10,020 --> 00:15:12,056
You all right, then, young man?
Keeping out of trouble?

335
00:15:12,056 --> 00:15:15,016
Trying my best.
Not like your old man, eh?

336
00:15:15,016 --> 00:15:17,040
Oh, God, yeah, the freezer, eh?
What happened there?

337
00:15:17,040 --> 00:15:18,072
It was an accident.

338
00:15:18,072 --> 00:15:21,016
What it was, was we were out
watching the football...

339
00:15:21,016 --> 00:15:23,004
Oh, yeah, the football.
What was the score?

340
00:15:23,004 --> 00:15:24,072
It was 4-0.Cool.

341
00:15:24,072 --> 00:15:26,020
To Malta.

342
00:15:26,020 --> 00:15:27,060
Ah.

343
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:30,092
I've had to have this one back up
at the doctor's an' all, Jaz.

344
00:15:30,092 --> 00:15:34,012
Have you? What's the matter?
Oh, her scalp's away again.

345
00:15:34,012 --> 00:15:36,080
Her pillow's like the top
of a Victoria sponge.

346
00:15:36,080 --> 00:15:38,088
They're saying
that's stress, an' all.

347
00:15:38,088 --> 00:15:41,088
Well, it could be.Is it, shite.

348
00:15:41,088 --> 00:15:45,028
She spends all day, every day,
sat in the house with me.

349
00:15:45,028 --> 00:15:48,016
I mean,
what's she got to be stressed about?

350
00:15:49,044 --> 00:15:52,052
Maybe the seal on the door's away.
I mean, you've had it for a while.

351
00:15:52,052 --> 00:15:54,060
We saw good deals on freezers
the other day -

352
00:15:54,060 --> 00:15:55,096
on Amazon, I think it was.

353
00:15:55,096 --> 00:15:58,000
Jaz... Jaz,
where was it we saw the freezers

354
00:15:58,000 --> 00:16:00,004
that you said to me
were a good price?

355
00:16:00,004 --> 00:16:02,004
Oh, Amazon. Chest freezer. 199.

356
00:16:02,004 --> 00:16:03,044
199?

357
00:16:03,044 --> 00:16:04,088
Excellent price, Beth.

358
00:16:04,088 --> 00:16:06,068
We're no' getting a new freezer.

359
00:16:06,068 --> 00:16:08,072
There's nothing wrong
with the one we've got.

360
00:16:08,072 --> 00:16:10,088
199, Sophie.

361
00:16:10,088 --> 00:16:14,072
Here, we need to take a run up
to this Amazon place, you and me.

362
00:16:14,072 --> 00:16:18,016
Jaz, what sort of capacity
are we talking about here?

363
00:16:18,016 --> 00:16:20,020
I'm sorry, but I don't know.

364
00:16:20,020 --> 00:16:24,048
Mind you, every time
I think about chest freezers,

365
00:16:24,048 --> 00:16:27,032
I just think about serial killers
chopping people up

366
00:16:27,032 --> 00:16:30,008
and stuffing them into wee bags.

367
00:16:30,008 --> 00:16:33,080
I'll just nip through to the kitchen
and see how we're getting on.

368
00:16:35,004 --> 00:16:36,052
Any dips?

369
00:16:40,020 --> 00:16:41,040
How are we getting on?

370
00:16:41,040 --> 00:16:45,012
Oh, you're back.
Anything else I can do for you?

371
00:16:45,012 --> 00:16:46,060
No, you're all right.

372
00:16:46,060 --> 00:16:48,012
Okey-dokey.

373
00:16:48,012 --> 00:16:50,072
Just let me know when it's time
for the broom to go up my arse.

374
00:16:50,072 --> 00:16:51,092
What's in there?

375
00:16:51,092 --> 00:16:54,084
Oriental rice and half a pork chop.

376
00:16:54,084 --> 00:16:56,084
BEEPING
Mm...

377
00:16:56,084 --> 00:16:59,064
ignore the beeping.
I'm timing it on my phone.

378
00:17:00,096 --> 00:17:02,072
That's maybe it ready now, actually.

379
00:17:02,072 --> 00:17:04,048
SMOKE ALARM BEEPS

380
00:17:06,072 --> 00:17:09,088
This ringing's awful bad today.

381
00:17:09,088 --> 00:17:12,024
I'll need to get straight down
to wee McGill on Monday

382
00:17:12,024 --> 00:17:13,056
to see about it.

383
00:17:13,056 --> 00:17:17,032
Here, Jaz... She was harping on
about that earlier.

384
00:17:17,032 --> 00:17:20,004
I says to her,
gie your doctor a bell!

385
00:17:20,004 --> 00:17:22,016
HE CHUCKLES

386
00:17:22,016 --> 00:17:24,088
You know, a bell. Ringing.

387
00:17:27,052 --> 00:17:28,084
Ah, fuck it.

388
00:17:30,040 --> 00:17:32,004
BICKERING VOICES FROM KITCHEN

389
00:17:32,004 --> 00:17:33,040
You all right, doll?

390
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:37,064
So what you been up to?
Ach, just the usual.

391
00:17:37,064 --> 00:17:40,052
Taking my mum up to the doctor's,
then taking her to the chemist,

392
00:17:40,052 --> 00:17:42,012
then taking her back to the doctor's

393
00:17:42,012 --> 00:17:44,036
when she doesnae like
what the chemist has gave her.

394
00:17:44,036 --> 00:17:46,088
Sounds like you could do wi'
a bit of change of scene.Aye.

395
00:17:46,088 --> 00:17:50,000
But she's got a hospital appointment
soon, so...

396
00:17:50,000 --> 00:17:52,000
There you are.How are you?

397
00:17:52,000 --> 00:17:53,032
Good, aye.

398
00:17:53,032 --> 00:17:54,068
Hungry?

399
00:17:54,068 --> 00:17:56,012
Oh, so-so.

400
00:17:56,012 --> 00:17:58,080
God, that's a lot of food
your mum's got to cook.

401
00:17:58,080 --> 00:18:00,084
Lucky she's got Cathy in there
helping her, eh?

402
00:18:00,084 --> 00:18:02,044
The stuff that was in there,

403
00:18:02,044 --> 00:18:05,012
it's no' Cathy she's needing,
it's the bloody Time Team.

404
00:18:05,012 --> 00:18:09,064
And, of course, it was later on,
towards the end of 1986,

405
00:18:09,064 --> 00:18:11,048
that was when I took the septic toe

406
00:18:11,048 --> 00:18:14,016
when I was on holiday
in the Algarve.

407
00:18:14,016 --> 00:18:16,020
You ever been to the Algarve, Jaz?

408
00:18:16,020 --> 00:18:17,036
No.

409
00:18:17,036 --> 00:18:20,068
Beautiful beaches,
but very poorly served

410
00:18:20,068 --> 00:18:23,020
when it comes to
24-hour chiropodists.

411
00:18:23,020 --> 00:18:26,032
Right, get stuck in.Oh, yes!

412
00:18:26,032 --> 00:18:29,020
There's quiche, chicken wings,
apple pie. This looks great!

413
00:18:29,020 --> 00:18:34,036
And some mixed veg, braising steak,
and a bit of Arctic roll.

414
00:18:34,036 --> 00:18:40,000
Oh, here, Sophie, you get for me.
Ian, Sophie'll plate me up. Oh!

415
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:43,040
Col?Just a bit of everything
for me, Cathy.

416
00:18:43,040 --> 00:18:46,072
Here, Eric, that's the beauty
of a buffet, is it no'? Aye.

417
00:18:46,072 --> 00:18:48,068
You get a wee bit of everything.

418
00:18:48,068 --> 00:18:50,092
He can't. No red meat for you, Eric.

419
00:18:50,092 --> 00:18:52,096
Cath, put a few sprouts
on a napkin for him.

420
00:18:52,096 --> 00:18:54,080
Sprouts? Ho-ho!

421
00:18:54,080 --> 00:18:59,028
Oh, oor Sophie's a nightmare
with them. Savoy cabbage, as well.

422
00:18:59,028 --> 00:19:03,016
Oh, I can hear her through the wall
when I'm lying in my bed at night.

423
00:19:03,016 --> 00:19:06,004
Pff, pff, pffff.

424
00:19:06,004 --> 00:19:08,044
It's like Transit van backfiring.

425
00:19:11,032 --> 00:19:14,016
Are you having a good time?
All right, yeah. Good.

426
00:19:14,016 --> 00:19:16,020
Nice chat with Christine?Yeah.

427
00:19:16,020 --> 00:19:18,024
She was just telling me
about her septic toe.

428
00:19:18,024 --> 00:19:19,052
Sausage roll?

429
00:19:20,080 --> 00:19:22,048
No.

430
00:19:22,048 --> 00:19:24,040
Here, Beth...

431
00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,012
Beth, here.

432
00:19:26,012 --> 00:19:28,000
You never told me that he was...

433
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:32,060
He was what?

434
00:19:32,060 --> 00:19:34,032
That he was, you know...

435
00:19:37,016 --> 00:19:39,008
..English!Oh.

436
00:19:42,004 --> 00:19:45,064
Well, it's nice to get a seat.

437
00:19:45,064 --> 00:19:48,044
All right
if I take two minutes, is it, Beth?

438
00:19:48,044 --> 00:19:50,000
That all right, is it?

439
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:52,052
Honestly,
she invites you round for lunch

440
00:19:52,052 --> 00:19:54,056
and no sooner
are you through the door

441
00:19:54,056 --> 00:19:56,060
and she's shoved a tea towel
in your hand

442
00:19:56,060 --> 00:19:59,000
and she's working you like a donkey.

443
00:19:59,000 --> 00:20:02,016
You have done a smashing job.
This is a lovely spread.

444
00:20:02,016 --> 00:20:03,060
FOOD CRUNCHES

445
00:20:03,060 --> 00:20:05,080
Lovely crunch in this wee...

446
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:07,052
these wee...

447
00:20:07,052 --> 00:20:09,060
What is this, anyway, Cath?

448
00:20:09,060 --> 00:20:11,044
This jumper is stinking.

449
00:20:11,044 --> 00:20:12,092
It's cashmere, Colin.

450
00:20:12,092 --> 00:20:15,084
It's just grabbing every ounce
of fat there is in there.

451
00:20:15,084 --> 00:20:19,048
Skiddly wee kitchen with no cooker
hood. It's like the fires of hell.

452
00:20:20,068 --> 00:20:22,044
What's that, Mrs Baird?

453
00:20:22,044 --> 00:20:26,052
It's either a pakora or a Scotch egg
that's gone for a wee walk.

454
00:20:26,052 --> 00:20:28,076
I was saying to Eric,
if this had happened to us,

455
00:20:28,076 --> 00:20:30,088
we'd have been cooking
from now till doomsday

456
00:20:30,088 --> 00:20:33,004
with all that stuff
in our big doubler.

457
00:20:33,004 --> 00:20:36,048
Oh, we would have. Eric, was Colin
telling you about the salmon?

458
00:20:36,048 --> 00:20:39,000
He was, aye.
You want to see the size of it.

459
00:20:39,000 --> 00:20:41,072
What's it like, Cathy?
It's a monster.

460
00:20:41,072 --> 00:20:44,012
That's exactly what it is.
It's a monster.

461
00:20:44,012 --> 00:20:45,096
Col, away and get it.Eh?

462
00:20:45,096 --> 00:20:48,060
Go and get it and bring it in
so everyone can see it.

463
00:20:48,060 --> 00:20:51,024
Colin caught it himself, didn't you?
I did, aye. I...

464
00:20:51,024 --> 00:20:52,092
Well, I bashed its brains oot

465
00:20:52,092 --> 00:20:54,096
with this thing that the...
the gillie gave me.

466
00:20:54,096 --> 00:20:56,032
What was it called again?

467
00:20:56,032 --> 00:20:57,092
A club.It was a club, aye.

468
00:20:59,028 --> 00:21:01,040
Go and get it.
They're dying to see it.

469
00:21:01,040 --> 00:21:03,080
Look, it's fine, Colin.
Sit and enjoy your food.

470
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:06,032
Do you want a few more...
wee brown things?

471
00:21:06,032 --> 00:21:07,072
Get it!

472
00:21:12,000 --> 00:21:13,032
DOOR CLOSES

473
00:21:15,004 --> 00:21:17,000
How are you boys doing?

474
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,028
I feel as if I've hardly seen you.

475
00:21:19,028 --> 00:21:22,016
Probably cos I've been in that
bloody kitchen the whole time!

476
00:21:22,016 --> 00:21:24,072
Anywa-a-a-ay, toot-toot.

477
00:21:24,072 --> 00:21:29,016
So, you OK, Jaz, yeah?
Yeah, fine, not bad.

478
00:21:29,016 --> 00:21:31,056
Beth said you'd been off work
with the stress.

479
00:21:31,056 --> 00:21:33,096
He's going back in a couple
of weeks, though, aren't you?

480
00:21:33,096 --> 00:21:35,088
Yeah. Maybe. Hopefully.

481
00:21:35,088 --> 00:21:38,056
Aw, good.
So what was it caused it, then?

482
00:21:38,056 --> 00:21:41,032
Was it just a build-up of stuff,
or did you have a full breakdown?

483
00:21:41,032 --> 00:21:44,036
Oh, just various things.
But I'm feeling a bit better now.

484
00:21:44,036 --> 00:21:45,092
Oh, that's good.

485
00:21:45,092 --> 00:21:48,012
Mind you, must be tough being off,

486
00:21:48,012 --> 00:21:51,020
sitting in the house on your own
all day, staring at the walls.

487
00:21:51,020 --> 00:21:53,032
That'll get you down, as well.

488
00:21:53,032 --> 00:21:55,008
I'm not on my own all the time.

489
00:21:55,008 --> 00:21:56,044
Are you no'?

490
00:21:56,044 --> 00:21:57,088
No, Ian's round quite a bit.

491
00:21:57,088 --> 00:22:00,060
Not every day, though?
No, not every day.

492
00:22:00,060 --> 00:22:03,000
Well, it will be every day,
won't it?

493
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:04,048
Will it, Ian?

494
00:22:05,084 --> 00:22:08,076
Eric, out the way, this is hot!
Right.

495
00:22:08,076 --> 00:22:11,068
Where's Cathy?
Er, talking to Ian and Jaz.

496
00:22:11,068 --> 00:22:14,056
This bloody salmon. Who brings
a fish to someone's house?

497
00:22:14,056 --> 00:22:17,000
Oh, hi, Cathy. Huh!

498
00:22:17,000 --> 00:22:19,076
Beth, you're not going
to believe it.

499
00:22:19,076 --> 00:22:21,032
What?

500
00:22:21,032 --> 00:22:23,064
Ian's moving in with Jaz.
Isn't it exciting?

501
00:22:24,088 --> 00:22:26,064
Is that champagne?

502
00:22:26,064 --> 00:22:27,068
Er...

503
00:22:30,008 --> 00:22:32,012
I didn't know what to say.
I just panicked.

504
00:22:32,012 --> 00:22:33,072
It's fine. Don't worry about it.

505
00:22:33,072 --> 00:22:35,016
She was talking and staring at me.

506
00:22:35,016 --> 00:22:37,020
Then I started looking
at her facial hair

507
00:22:37,020 --> 00:22:39,072
with the bits of make-up in it,
and I lost my concentration.

508
00:22:39,072 --> 00:22:42,020
Look, it's OK.
Maybe she won't say anything.

509
00:22:42,020 --> 00:22:45,072
Ooooh!

510
00:22:45,072 --> 00:22:50,008
Right, here's to the big move.
Here you go, you two.

511
00:22:50,008 --> 00:22:52,036
Oh, whoopsie.Er, what's going on?

512
00:22:52,036 --> 00:22:54,088
They're moving in together.

513
00:22:54,088 --> 00:22:59,020
Here, Beth, get a couple of mugs for
you and Eric, get a drink of this.

514
00:23:00,028 --> 00:23:02,004
Here she is!

515
00:23:02,004 --> 00:23:03,056
Oh-ho!

516
00:23:03,056 --> 00:23:07,072
Wait till I get a look at this.
There we go.

517
00:23:07,072 --> 00:23:12,056
Oh, Christ! look at the size
of that. It's like fucking Jaws.

518
00:23:12,056 --> 00:23:14,000
HE SINGS JAWS THEME TUNES

519
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,040
It was my fault.
I wasn't meant to say.

520
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:17,068
SHE SIGHS

521
00:23:17,068 --> 00:23:19,088
You could have told me
you were thinking about it.

522
00:23:19,088 --> 00:23:21,092
I hadn't really thought about it,
though.

523
00:23:21,092 --> 00:23:23,096
I asked him to,
last night, after dinner.

524
00:23:23,096 --> 00:23:25,020
We had corn on the cobs.

525
00:23:26,056 --> 00:23:29,024
Do you not think
you're rushing into it a bit?

526
00:23:29,024 --> 00:23:31,028
Mum, I can't stay here
for ever, can I?

527
00:23:31,028 --> 00:23:33,060
I wish I could Sellotape my mouth
shut sometimes.

528
00:23:33,060 --> 00:23:36,012
Here, Col, take that.
I'm bored of it now.

529
00:23:36,012 --> 00:23:39,076
Col, get a glass.
Ian and Jaz are moving in together.

530
00:23:39,076 --> 00:23:44,004
Oh, are you? That's nice.
Well, good on you, boys.

531
00:23:44,004 --> 00:23:47,064
S'cuse my fish fingers.
A wee flat-share, eh?

532
00:23:47,064 --> 00:23:50,036
No fighting over
the biggest bedroom, eh?

533
00:23:50,036 --> 00:23:52,032
Here, Eric, we know where to go

534
00:23:52,032 --> 00:23:56,040
if we fancy a few cans in front
of the football, eh? Oh, aye.

535
00:23:56,040 --> 00:23:59,072
Poor Beth. She'll be heartbroken.

536
00:23:59,072 --> 00:24:01,028
I'll need to make an effort

537
00:24:01,028 --> 00:24:04,024
to come over and see her
more often, cheer her up.

538
00:24:04,024 --> 00:24:07,076
Are you eyeing up that fish, Sophie?
She is, isn't she?

539
00:24:07,076 --> 00:24:09,052
Does she like salmon, Christine?

540
00:24:09,052 --> 00:24:12,096
Cathy...Sophie, look into its eyes.

541
00:24:12,096 --> 00:24:14,060
Cathy!What?

542
00:24:14,060 --> 00:24:18,080
Here, Cath, what say we give Beth
and Eric this as a present, eh?

543
00:24:18,080 --> 00:24:20,052
Something to start them off again.

544
00:24:20,052 --> 00:24:23,092
That is a brilliant idea.
Well, I'll...

545
00:24:23,092 --> 00:24:27,000
Beth, take it. I hate salmon.
Honestly...

546
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,020
It's cos your freezer's
no' big enough.

547
00:24:29,020 --> 00:24:31,040
Cath, she's worried it'll no' fit.

548
00:24:31,040 --> 00:24:34,012
See, just take the head off
and bend its tail back,

549
00:24:34,012 --> 00:24:35,084
it'll fit in no bother.

550
00:24:35,084 --> 00:24:39,036
Eric, you got a wee hacksaw? We'll
just whip its head off the noo.

551
00:24:39,036 --> 00:24:42,008
What's he saying?They're going to
decapitate the fish.

552
00:24:42,008 --> 00:24:43,060
Oh, for fuck's sake.

553
00:24:43,060 --> 00:24:46,056
We'll sort it later, Colin.
But, cheers, thanks for the thought.

554
00:24:46,056 --> 00:24:48,000
Not at all, squire.

555
00:24:49,016 --> 00:24:51,040
Give it a good rinse under the tap.

556
00:24:51,040 --> 00:24:54,076
That river I dragged it out of
is no' the freshest.

557
00:24:54,076 --> 00:24:58,040
It was quite near the caravan site,
if you know what I'm saying.

558
00:24:58,040 --> 00:25:00,016
Oh, that's just great(!)

559
00:25:00,016 --> 00:25:03,080
Sophie, look, just stamp that in
with your Pumas.Leave it!

560
00:25:05,096 --> 00:25:07,088
Just leave it!

561
00:25:07,088 --> 00:25:09,024
All right, Beth.

562
00:25:09,024 --> 00:25:12,020
It's only a cheap glass.
No need to get all Mrs Nippy.

563
00:25:12,020 --> 00:25:16,064
Now, Cathy,
I've just about had enough.

564
00:25:16,064 --> 00:25:19,096
Oh, come on, now, Beth.
Here, Eric, get her a glass of wine.

565
00:25:19,096 --> 00:25:22,060
She's been up to her eyes
in breadcrumbs all day.

566
00:25:22,060 --> 00:25:27,000
Beth...Cathy, thanks for coming
over, and thanks for all your help,

567
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:32,032
and thanks for the offer of the
salmon, but we just don't want it.

568
00:25:32,032 --> 00:25:33,076
Excuse me?

569
00:25:33,076 --> 00:25:38,044
As I say, thanks for the thought,
but we'll pass on it, thank you.

570
00:25:38,044 --> 00:25:40,036
Eric, what's the problem?

571
00:25:40,036 --> 00:25:41,068
Beth...Shut up, Eric.

572
00:25:41,068 --> 00:25:42,076
CATHY GASPS

573
00:25:42,076 --> 00:25:46,068
I came in here today, Beth,
to help you out, as your friend,

574
00:25:46,068 --> 00:25:48,052
as your neighbour,

575
00:25:48,052 --> 00:25:51,016
but most importantly, as your...

576
00:25:52,052 --> 00:25:54,012
..friend.

577
00:25:54,012 --> 00:25:59,076
And you have had me in that kitchen,
working me like a bastard, Beth,

578
00:25:59,076 --> 00:26:03,048
with scampi you could
beat someone to death with

579
00:26:03,048 --> 00:26:07,052
and tinfoil and sinks
and the heat and noises...

580
00:26:07,052 --> 00:26:10,052
Beep-beep-beep-beep-beep,
beep-beep-beep!

581
00:26:10,052 --> 00:26:13,092
And then Colin,
out of the goodness of his heart,

582
00:26:13,092 --> 00:26:16,092
offers you a beautiful gift
of a fish,

583
00:26:16,092 --> 00:26:19,016
and you throw it back in our face.

584
00:26:19,016 --> 00:26:24,008
Is that what you're doing, Beth?
Are you throwing fish in my face?

585
00:26:24,008 --> 00:26:26,044
Now, you listen to me, Cathy...

586
00:26:26,044 --> 00:26:28,076
It's no wonder
Ian's decided he's moving out.

587
00:26:28,076 --> 00:26:30,052
SHARP INTAKE OF BREATH

588
00:26:33,064 --> 00:26:36,008
Out you go. Go on.Oh!

589
00:26:37,028 --> 00:26:38,084
Fine.Take it.

590
00:26:38,084 --> 00:26:39,096
Mum!

591
00:26:39,096 --> 00:26:42,052
No, no, no, no, no.
That is your present, Beth.

592
00:26:42,052 --> 00:26:44,012
Take the salmon, Cathy.

593
00:26:44,012 --> 00:26:47,012
Colin, tell her. It's her fish.
It's your fish, Beth.

594
00:26:47,012 --> 00:26:50,052
I don't want it.
Take the salmon away.

595
00:26:50,052 --> 00:26:52,000
All right, give it to me!

596
00:26:52,000 --> 00:26:54,080
It never would have fitted
in your silly little freezer anyway.

597
00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:56,020
Ha! Right, would it not?

598
00:26:58,052 --> 00:26:59,092
Give it!

599
00:27:01,064 --> 00:27:02,092
Ah!

600
00:27:05,060 --> 00:27:08,000
Ooh!Mum!

601
00:27:08,000 --> 00:27:11,044
INDISTINCT VOICES IN OTHER ROOM

602
00:27:14,012 --> 00:27:16,012
BETH GRUNTS

603
00:27:16,012 --> 00:27:20,024
Eric, could you move...?
Just move oot the way. Mum...

604
00:27:20,024 --> 00:27:22,020
What's she playing at?

605
00:27:22,020 --> 00:27:24,048
Where's my big knife?Beth... Beth!

606
00:27:25,076 --> 00:27:27,024
Hold that.

607
00:27:31,016 --> 00:27:33,024
CRACKING

608
00:27:36,060 --> 00:27:38,012
Right!

609
00:27:38,012 --> 00:27:39,084
Everyone happy now?

610
00:27:43,064 --> 00:27:46,000
Mrs Baird.What?

611
00:27:46,000 --> 00:27:47,084
That door's not shut properly.

612
00:27:49,096 --> 00:27:52,020
# Dance to your daddy,
my bonnie laddie

613
00:27:52,020 --> 00:27:54,044
# Dance to your daddy,
my bonnie lamb

614
00:27:54,044 --> 00:27:56,064
# Dance to your daddy,
my bonnie laddie

615
00:27:56,064 --> 00:27:58,088
# Dance to your daddy,
my bonnie lamb

616
00:27:58,088 --> 00:28:01,004
# He shall get a fishy
in a little dishy

617
00:28:01,004 --> 00:28:03,020
# He shall get an eggy
and a bit of ham

618
00:28:03,020 --> 00:28:05,036
# He shall get a fishy
in a little dishy

619
00:28:05,036 --> 00:28:07,052
# He shall get an eggy
and a bit of ham

620
00:28:07,052 --> 00:28:09,088
# Dance to your daddy,
my bonnie laddie

621
00:28:09,088 --> 00:28:12,012
# Dance to your daddy,
my bonnie lamb

622
00:28:12,012 --> 00:28:14,032
# Dance to your daddy,
my bonnie laddie

623
00:28:14,032 --> 00:28:16,096
# Dance to your daddy,
my bonnie lamb. #